Avy

Lost  deep in thoughts last night,

I thought about my past,

My past contained my dear friend Avy.

And I write this poem for the memories to last.

We had a good laugh always, Eating or drinking our way to glory,

We spoke on different levels and on different planes.

We spoke of everything that could come to our stupid little brains.

We knew each other so well.

We could read each others mind without a word to tell.

I cherish his friendship, I promise that I shall stand.

We might be worlds apart, but I will not let go off your hand.

I have held it tight,as tight as I can hold.

Holding on to your memories is like holding on to priceless  gold.

Can't change the time gone by, Can't change what just flies,

But I can hold on and preserve what I have, A true friend to me whose memories will last.

I feel a dagger in my heart, Dagger that says I shall never see you ever again,

Its pierced deep in my heart, Pierced so firm I can hardly get a start.

But if thats what Life has to offer, So be it.

I will never let your memories fade away.

I shall never replace your position in my heart.

Friends forever even after being worlds apart.

Dried Tears

My tears have dried;

For all the pain inside me I cried.

My fears are gone,

Like my faith in love and life.

My smile has faded ;

With all the lies that life has to invade with.

My shoulders have become stronger,

But I cant hold on no longer.

I have lost myself somewhere,

Somewhere deep inside me,

So deep inside I cant look for me,

I fear to see myself in the mirror.

Finding a reason everyday,

To live and carry on in this Unforgiving world.

Hope has died and faith has crumbled.

So uncertain about myself now.

I might be strong outside,

But I am crippled inside.

Learnt some good lessons in life.

Learnt them good and learnt them hard.

I admitted my mistakes;

I asked for forgiveness.

Yet I lost those who were dear to me.

Whoa was me !!!

I will depart from this life !!

Leaving behind my words,

Leaving behind my fears,

I have forgiven those who have hurted me.

Those who left a hole in my heart.

Who left a dagger crisped inside me.

And just turned around smiling as if nothing went wrong.

Strangers

We call ourself friends, foes or well wishers,

Deep inside us we know, its finally every man for himself.

Every time, every moment.

We will have stand for ourself and fight.

Finally, its we who stand to the task.

Deep inside we all know, No matter how close we may be.

No matter how much time we spend together, we are strangers.

Strangers to ourself too, stranger to our own belief,

Strangers to our hope, Stranger to our friends and foes,

Strange it is to be a stranger to people whom you have know all your life,

Strange to be a stranger to yourself, while you have been with yourself all life long,

Strange it is to be a stranger to your own ideas,

Strange it is to be a stranger.

We never know that the feeling is there, unless and until you come face to face to it,

Face it in different forms together, from betrayal to denial.

How often have we felt this feeling?

How often we looked ourself in the mirror and looked inside yourself?

Have you ever seen the darker side of you?

Have you ever thought about the things people don't like about you?

Have you ever forgot to do something for yourself ?

Have you ever noticed the changes in you ?

Have you ever sat by yourself and thought about it ?

Have you ever given yourself time?

Have you ever been on a journey without leaving your place?

Have you ever congratulated yourself on your own success ?

Have you ever lifted yourself when you failed ?

Have you ever wiped tears for a friend ?

Have you ever felt, what it feels to be like him ?

Have you ever been on journey from birth to present of someone else's life ?

Have you ever noticed the feeling of someone without a word shared ?

Have you ever been with a person without doubting his intention?

Have you ever seen the world from someone else's eyes ?

Have you seen the sacrifices of others,may be not for you may be for someone else ?

Have you felt someone else's pain?

Have you taken ownership of someone else's problem?

If most of the answer to the above questions is a "NO.", then you ain't a friend nor a foe,

What you are is a "STRANGER"

Buried my soul

I am back from a burial, I just buried my soul.

Buried it deep inside, Deep inside the bottomless black hole,

I died inside me, with my pain and anguish.

Left behind is no longer a part me, no longer what I cherish.

I have learnt to live with a hole in my heart,

Learnt from people who were suppose to be true me,

Now all is left is like a wax mould,

Burnt in your betrayal and dishonesty.

Vengeance is sweet, but not for me.

Bitter and salty, that be the taste of me,

I taste like sugar, I taste like marmalade,

But this taste is faint and it will surely fade,

No more tears, No more lies,

Truth is what you see in my eyes,

No more faith I feel in me,

The serenade plays the song glee.

When the music stops, the curtain will fall.

Closing the play, closing the show and all.

A journey will end for a journey to begin,

Journey so far, far to the end.

With this note I will depart,

Depart from my soul and from your hearts,

Bounded I shall remain to this unforgiving world,

Bounded even to those who left this hole(in my heart)..

As the sand slipped through her tiny hands, that fell and slept on her fathers grave.
I watched her tears roll down her cheeks and fall to the bed on which he
laid.
"Come Back Daddy, Come Back" she cried " I will never be naughty again."
"Promise to go school and straight back and never will I ask for toy or tool."
"Don't do this to me daddy, I'm just a kid. I don't know whats good and I don't know whats bad."
"I know you were angry with me, I know you were hurt because I was bad."
"But I made this sorry card for you Daddy, wont you see what I had to add."
"I made you the best daddy in the world, don't make the most awful daughter you ever had ."
"You leave in silence, leaving mummy and me behind but your silence is like a dagger to my heart."
"Oh Daddy, it was always you, from the start till the end."
"Ever moment and ever hour,even when Gillly made me run."
"You thought me how to pray. How to address the enlightened one"
"Today I begged him to spare you daddy.Begged him to show he is the one."
"Cold hearted is he daddy? Or my tears are not worth his satisfaction."


"Good Bye Daddy, I will miss you daddy dearest."
"My tiny hands still look for you, cause you were the nearest."

I've become Numb again.

I've become Numb again,
Cant feel love again.
Pain within has been so long,
Feeling anything else feels like sin again.

I've become Numb again,
Shallow and Dark is whats inside me,
Sinking to bottom in my ocean of tears,
Cant find land to live again.

I've become Numb again,
Tears rolling down my cheeks again.
The salty taste tells me how,
Lonely I have become again

I've become Numb again,
Loosing sense and feel again.
Water and wine taste the same,
Cant afford to be more of a waste than I already am again.

I've become Numb again,
Cant feel love again,
Cant feel anything but pain again.
I cant be me again :(

THIS IS WHAT I HAVE ADOPTED AS MY MANTRA

NOTE : I haven't written this but adopted it from somewhere and am sharing it with you all cause I love it and want you to know about the same


I know what I want and what I don't want.
I know I am not perfect and that I make mistakes. But I believe that my happiness keeps me sweet, my trials keep me strong, my sorrows keep me human, my failures keep me humble, my success keeps me glowing, and God keeps me going. Everything is worth it after all.

Nothing lasts forever. So live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, and avoid the bullshit.
But never, EVER, regret. Because at one point, everything you did, was exactly what you wanted.
Life is too short. Grugdes are a waste of perfect hapiness. Laugh when you can, apologize when you should and let go of what you can't change. LOVE deeply and forgive quickly. Take chances, give everything and have no regrets! Life is too short to be unhappy. You have to take good with the bad, smile when you're sad.
Love what you got and always remember what you had. Always forgive, never forget. Learn from your mistakes, but never regret. People change and things go wrong but always remember LIFE GOES ON!

Good Bye Cruel Cruel World

These are my thoughts and is to direct to a lot of people who upset me and still be a stranger to the fact that I am hurt.To all those mates who stabbed my back and left the dagger inside me, for those who betrayed my trust, for those whom I called my beloved friends.All I every expected was friendship and you turned it into a bloody game of life.You fucked off from my life and stay fucked off but this is to tell you how I felt when you left me there gasping for a friend

Here I go again, All by myself.
Not a stranger insight nor a friend at my side.
Just cause I hide my tears it doesn't mean I don't feel pain,
Just cause I laugh every time in life it doesn't mean I am happy.
Just cause I stay by your side it doesn't mean I ain't feeling lonely.
Just cause you all crowd around me it doesn't mean I feel complete.
Just cause I want you to be happy I hurt myself.
Just cause I fake everything on my face it doesn't mean I will keep going on.
Just cause I talk about the future it doesn't mean I will live to tell.
Tired of hiding it all from everyone.
Tired of being like this.
Dying day by day in pieces and crumbs.
Wounded so much that I cant carry on any more.
Just want to end it now.
Want to go the other side of this world,
Go beyond everyones reach.Be Immortal, Be free.
But I know I still wont live in peace.
I will be above everyone but I will leave behind my broken crumbs of my heart and dreams behind.
I wont find peace in either world's.
Tasting death everyday in my tears,
Tasting defeat in every pain,
Holding my broken dreams and my heart in my hands, waiting to for them to fall together again.
Growing in pain,Growing in jealousy,
This pain is like a tumor,it has to go,
If it means it has to end with me then be so.

AND THE PAIN RETURNS !!!!

As I watch my pain return.
Tearing every life in me....
I promise I wont shed a tear...
To the empty hearted vessel you be


I will sail this ocean of tears,
without shedding any of my own,
I will sail till eternity comes,
Or till the death sees the best of me.


Salted hands and a watery grave,
Is only what dwells in me,
Will I ever sail the ocean blue,
Or will it always be in me.


Like a drop of water that falls
And makes the mighty ocean blue,
Same be the blood I shed and drop,
And yet you dont have a clue.


Loved you beyond life and death,
.....Death no longer brings fear to me.
And I loved you the best.
......Now its only the death will see the best of me.

Avy Alton Fernandes, I will miss you.

A poem i wrote when you very alive: I dedicate to you dear Avy,


In the silent grave as I lay.
Finally silence from the aching pain.
At the dawn of my final day.
I see no one before me.


As a dream comes to an end.
As I see the rigid pain.
The unsung hero as I lay.
Unspoken,Unheard,or unknown.


People come and people go.
They weep and cry for me to stay.
But as I lay wearing my crown.
Opened a gateway to a brand new day.


"Immortal", you wished.
You all wished I stayed.
To open my eyes for another day.
Tired and famished as I lay.

No one hears what I have to stay.
As the dew settles on my grave.
Songs of Christ and his merry ways,
Not cold out or hot within, yet I feel the morning break.
Merry Christmas is the day.
The joy of the day and the spirit sprayed.
I will return, believe what I say.